A Friendship Conversation in Two Parts - Episodes 7 & 8
“Do the hard work of getting along with each other, treating each other with dignity and honor.” James 3:18 MSG
Friendships.
We all want them. We all have them. Some we want more of because they fill us up, and others we struggle with even on good days. Here’s the thing though, even when we want to give up on friendships because we have been hurt, we cannot run from the way we were made. You see, God created us with a burning, innate desire for community, for friendships. How could He not. God, the Spirit and the Son exist in community as one – and we are created in that image. We need community and friendship to grow and thrive.
As a woman, I learned early that female friendships are very hard. They require a lot of work, even if they start out very easy – eventually there is a time the work comes. I formed school and work friendships, and even some at church, thinking that these were the deep and lasting relationships, only to find out that gossip and comparison and exclusion were eroding these relationships from the inside out. I have experienced a group of friends divide into 2, 3 and 4 groups of friends that never got along again. I have been equal parts on the giving as well as the receiving of that.
Often you might hear me say that I would like to be a hermit for a while. Usually those moments come when friendships are teetering on the ledge, when I have been hurt or when the “people” part of life simply feels too draining. Those moments when I either cut & run or dive headlong into hard conversations and intentional work – because that is the least we are called to do…as James says, “do the hard work…” For me those moments are when God steps in and says, “Stacy, are you being the friend you want to have?” or wore, “Stacy, have you made an idol of that friendship and put her before Me?” YIKES!!! I don’t always have a good answer for those questions, at least none that wouldn’t be more than an excuse to try to justify my position. Too often I find it difficult to be brave and put myself out there one more time for fear of getting hurt. But – if I don’t then that is like telling God I don’t have faith in the way He made me (or the other person) AND I am not willing to do the hard work that comes with friendship.
Of course, struggling to make or keep friendships isn’t new (after all, there is ‘nothing new under the sun’ as Solomon said, right?) We can try to blame it on social media or busy lives, but when we read that verse in James, those things don’t hold water when we are encouraged to ‘do the hard work of getting along.’ Sure, we can listen to all of the could and should of what the world tells us (and our own thoughts as well) that friendship should look like, or that you need to have a certain number of friends – but those are falsehoods and not what we need to base our relational work on. Friendships, at least the kind that endure, are built on a solid foundation of Jesus and his love. Where we allow the overflow that He pours into us to spill out and pours honor and dignity and respect all over the lives of those around us. It takes hard work, intentional time with God and the bravery to step into relationship with just one other person (which hopefully would lead to others at differing levels of friendship as well).
The episode that just released this morning (part 1 of 2) is filled with conversation around this calling. The calling of doing the hard work and loving people well. I was blessed and honored to take a girl’s trip with 2 friends last month to spend precious time celebrating one another as well as the unique friendships we have (with each other and with those in different seasons of life). The older we have gotten the more each of us is starting to understand that, as my dad used to tell me, if you end your life with a handful of close, dear friends, you are blessed indeed! Our deep friendship circles have become smaller, but our ability and desire to pour into other friends has become a clear vision of what Christ calls us to do…Love God and Love Others.
I hope that you will be blessed by the podcast episode and that you will take some time to look at the friendships in your life right now to see if there are any areas where you might need to lean in and do the hard work of getting along. Is there someone you are being called to encourage, to honor and to include? May we all commit to doing the consistent work of developing friendships. May we be the kind of women who build relationships up and show the next generation how to stick with it and not walk away from friendship. Let’s be the women the show them how important and life-giving friendships can be in the kingdom of God. Because the hermit life is never a good life!!
