Life With a Side of Anxiety - Episode 5
So, today I wanted to take a bit of time, on what is my solo week, to talk about something that I mentioned back in my introduction episode. Anxiety. Since that episode I have had at least a handful of conversations with others who have said they too struggle with depression and/or anxiety – and more than have of those conversations were people struggling with new anxiety. And let’s be honest, 2020 could be labeled the year of anxiety…with COVID, massive catastrophic global fires, hurricanes and now a political climate that is simply indescribable – yep, 2020, The Year of Anxiety certainly seems a fitting title. That said, there a many people who are doing just fine, and there are many people who have no clue what it is they are experiencing is anxiety.
You might be thinking, what in the world this topic has to do with anything creative – in a word…GOD. We talked about God being a creative God and that means he made each one of us, every cell, nerve and synapses so wonderfully and beautifully creative that even in these broken bodies, in this broken world, he has created brilliant people who found ways to help others through these struggles. Through counseling, medicine, learning the mind/body chemical connections – there is creativity written all over that. From another angle, you cannot walk in your full creative calling if you are not living well – body, mind and soul. So, I really just wanted to share my history and what I have walked through, how I manage it and how I find hope in the midst of it – my creative path is lined with these “stones” as I call them, and that is ok. Let me say this at the get go – I am not a counselor or a professional in the mental health field…I am speaking from pure personal lay-person experience of walking this road. What has worked for me may not work for you, but something will. I simply want to keep bringing this subject out in the light, because too many live with the pain of keeping it a secret, and there is simply no reason. In a later episode (probably multiple episodes) I will have a friend who is a counselor on to address some of this as well.
As I mentioned in my intro, I have battled with diagnosed depression and anxiety for over 20 years. I say diagnosed because, knowing my anxiety symptoms and coping tactics, I can identify anxiety from my late childhood. My diagnosis came as an adult after my first surgery being put under anesthesia. I did not handle that well and my brain chemicals went haywire. At the same time, I was in the midst of testing and a final diagnosis of an auto-immune disease called Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis…which can share many of the same symptoms of depression and anxiety. And since I’ve always been a “pull yourself up by the bootstraps” kind of girl, as well as being extremely active in my church and what most would call a “strong Christian” I just kept marching forward because I really had no clue what the truth was…and even when I found out, I fought it for weeks.
My diagnosis came from my primary care doctor and I can remember that day like it was yesterday. I sat in her office and she said, Stacy, I think that you are depressed and having anxiety. To which my response was to promptly burst into hot, angry tears and tell her “I can’t be depressed, I’m a Christian!!” Looking back on that moment now, I simply shake my head and giggle a bit because I can see myself then and all of the signs were there. She was right, but again, it would be weeks before I would admit it and even talk about taking medication. You see, the church has never been super great about talking about mental health often and publicly…and especially back then. So for me, and many others, to be diagnosed with depression and anxiety meant I wasn’t a strong enough Christian, I didn’t read the Word enough, I didn’t pray enough and worst of all, I didn’t have enough faith that God could take this away. And it wasn’t just me who had those internal thoughts, several people in my circles at the time said as much – inside and outside the church.
Now, if you have never struggled with mental illness, you have no idea the level of shame that presents itself…and that is just from the internal dialogue you have with yourself. Add to it what you think other people might be thinking, things other might be saying and the stigma that was/is wrapped around depression and anxiety and you have a cocktail shaker filled to the brim with soul shattering pain, broken expectations and guilt of not being a better person or the person everyone thought you were. All of those things are untruths, and yet they make for great stumbling blocks.
There is so much more I could say about that time…but I will tell you that I started medication and was on it off and on for 10 years. I found great coping mechanisms, had several great counselors (and some not so great) and knew what my triggers were. All was steady and good… That was until our son died in 2017 (and that is another episode all together). Enter the anxiety again along with a good dose of PTSD…only this time I didn’t catch it either. Another amazing Nurse Practitioner who saw me in the urgent care during what I thought was a heart attack, took the time to sit with me and listen to me. Turns out I wasn’t having a heart attack – it was a full-blown panic attack…the anxiety had returned full-force with the grief along with the trauma that came from caring for our son for the past 18 months. That NP helped get me on the right meds again, got me to a PTSD counselor (what a major help that was to acknowledge stuff I pushed down simple to cope) and I moved forward once again.
Enter 2020 and it is back. This time I knew I wasn’t doing well I saw all of the signs…and again I’m in the middle of being diagnosed with a secondary auto-immune disease. But here’s the deal, now I know that I need the medication is just as if I had high blood pressure. I know that I need it for now, and I may need it again. I may always need it. I have prayer, I have God’s Word, I have community and I am more self-aware than I have ever been….and none of those things has removed the depression anxiety yet. This may be my thorn in the flesh, as Paul referred to his ailments. And that’s ok. I will continue to do all that I know to do and seek the help I need, manage my life, my habits and learn as I go.
Of course I have struggled with God in all of this. Does God really care about me if he keeps letting me go through this? Does God really care about my anxiety? I mean, if He is good, and He loves me, then wouldn’t it make sense for Him to take the anxiety away and make everything better? He’s God. He can do that. Right? I’ve wrestled with that question many times. I used to get nervous about what people might think if they knew I had questions about God. If I had doubts. If I had worries. Remember what I said before about people in my circles telling me to pray more, have more faith, read the Bible more. It’s crazy how wondering if God really cares about our anxiety can lead to even more anxiety about what people would think if they knew we were asking that question. It quickly becomes a dangerous and terrifying cycle.
If you are having those questions, know that you are not alone. I’ve had them too. I have them still – they are answered quickly now. Of course, even people in Biblical times had these struggles. Don’t believe me? Go read the Psalms. Seriously, David says and asks some things that can make you wince – and God listens. Go read the Psalms again, because they are that good! They are rich with raw, painful expressions of crying out to God. Asking if He is even there, and if He even cares. And they aren’t always very clean (again, David can make you wince with his real and raw pain in verbal form). They don’t always finish on a high note. Sometimes, the questions don’t get answered. Sometimes we don’t get a clear answer. Sometimes the problem goes unresolved. But the fact that these Psalms, these expressions of doubt, suffering, and anxiety, exist, is a gift to us. I think they are one of the ways that God shows us He cares, that He sees us, and that He understands us. Even when He doesn’t take the anxiety or struggle away, He lets us know that we aren’t alone, that we aren’t forgotten, and that He cares for us.
I am not alone. You are not alone. We have a God who loves us more than we can ever know, who cares for us more than we can ever comprehend and who wants the best for us even when we are angry with him and hurting. And he provide people to come around us and walk with us in human form as we navigate hurts and struggles of life – be they physical or mental.
I want to share some of the way I deal with my anxiety right now. They would work for depression as well. Some work better than others…you will only know when you try.
Creative Coping Tools
Read God’s word – start in the Psalms…just read.
Pray. And not the fluffy sweet prayers. Pour your heart out to God. Tell him all of the things in your heart. All that you are angry with him about…he knows it already – your aren’t going to shock him with what you say, and you might find that your heart calms down.
DO NOT get on Social Media – in the midst of anxiety, this is the worst place for you. Too much nastiness, too many things to compare. Just say no!
Take a Shower. Not a bath, a shower. Use water as hot or cold as you like. You don’t even need to wash. Just get in under the water and let it run over you for a while. Sit on the floor if you gotta.
Moisturize everything. Use whatever lotion you like. Unscented? Dollar store lotion? Fancy 48 hour lotion that makes you smell like a field of wildflowers? Use whatever you want, and use it all over your entire dermis.
Put on clean, comfortable clothes.
Drink cold water. Use ice. If you want, add some mint or lemon for an extra boost. I like strawberries and mint.
Clean something. Doesn’t have to be anything big. Organize one drawer of a desk. Wash five dirty dishes. Do a load of laundry. Scrub the bathroom sink. Don’t get obsessive about it – set a timer for 30 minutes and when it goes off, you are done. Period.
Blast music. Listen to something upbeat and “dancey” and loud, something that’s got lots of energy. Sing to it, dance to it, even if you suck at both.
Make food. Don’t just grab a granola bar to munch. Take the time and make food. Even if it’s ramen. Add something special to it, like a hard boiled egg or some veggies. Prepare food, it tastes way better, and you’ll feel like you accomplished something.
Make something. Write a short story or a poem, draw a picture, color a picture, fold origami, crochet or knit, sculpt something out of clay, anything artistic. Even if you don’t think you’re good at it. Create.
Go outside. Take a walk. Sit in the grass. Look at the clouds. Smell flowers. Put your hands in the dirt and feel the soil against your skin. It is important for you to get outside every…single…day. Even more so, go outside barefoot and stand on the dirt or grass.
Call someone. Call a loved one, a friend, a family member, Have a conversation and listen to someone’s voice. If you can’t bring yourself to call, text or email or whatever, just have some social interaction with another person. Even if you don’t say much, listen to them. It helps.
Cuddle your pets if you have them/can cuddle them. Take pictures of them. Talk to them. Tell them how you feel, about your favorite movie, a new game coming out, anything.
May seem small or silly to some, but this list keeps people alive. Most of all, if you are struggling with more than anxiety, or you are having suicidal thoughts, please call 911 or the National Suicide Prevention Hotline (800-273-8255) Call someone…
So, that didn’t really end on the happy upbeat note that I was hoping. But let me say this – right now, in this season, more of us are struggling with anxiety that you might think. Let’s start talking about it. Let’s find ways to connect – socially distant of course. My steam valve this season has been a GroupMe chat with friends where we send the funniest, and often times inappropriate memes about 2020 to each other. I can’t tell you how many times I have had what ever I was sipping on at the time almost spew over my keyboard because I laughed so hard. As dumb as these things are, they are helping us get by. They lighten the mood, they bring us closer to one another and they help us to know that it will be ok. And it will.
Thank you for listening/reading. I know this wasn’t a light topic, but I do hope that you know how loved you are and how much God loves to see his kids smiling and happy. Now, go find a creative way to make someone smile this week!
Photo by Jake Charles on Unsplash
